I took one.
I’ve lived 35 years on this planet. Most of those have been spent in fear. Anxiety has been a pretty consistent “friend.”
But then… something changed.
Imagine for a minute that you have a dream. Something you’ve wanted for a very, very long time. In fact, it’s so grand and inspiring that you don’t think it’s even possible.
But then it happens.
This happened to me back in June. I can’t say exactly what, but I felt like I had crested a hill in life. Things came true that I didn’t think ever really would. I was amazed. It was surreal.
But guess what?
I will still fearful. I still lay awake at night, my heart gripped with various terrors. What is THIS happens? What if that DOESN’T? In fact, new fears emerged around this dream coming true. How do I maintain it? What if I lose it?
I still woke up in crabby, forlorn moods.
In short, the outside world had shifted. The inside was still the same.
I was still me.
And so I changed.
Change can happen in an instant.
When I realized what I’d been working for my entire adult life had already happened and I was no happier, I finally was able to chill.
I created new paradigms for my life and have been repeating them everyday.
And I feel as if I’ve started to wake up. To grow up. To get it. I feel deeper and more alive and calmer and more peaceful that I thought possible.
Old Paradigms:
- Life is a burden and a big joke. We have to struggle through and then we die. Most of my life I’d wished I’d never been born.
- Gratitude felt sappy. Cheesy. Ya ya. I’m grateful for the walls. I’m grateful for the door. Blah blah.
- I am not in control of my feelings and if I wake up in a bad mood, look out world. I can’t help myself!
New Paradigms:
- Life is a gift. A wonder. Each moment holds an endless array of beauty and awe. I now wake up every morning and shout in my head: THANK YOU FOR LIFE! I woke up! I get to LIVE this day! YESSS! Ohh. Coffee!!
- Gratitude isn’t something I force anymore. I am bombarded most of each day now with a sense of wonder. What is this incredible thing called life we are getting to live? Look at that fuzzy bird pecking on the ground. What a cutie! Feel this velvet couch… it’s incredible! I have running water IN MY HOUSE! How amazing is that! Pretty darn.
- I am in control of my feelings. Feeling crabby? That’s fine. But today…I don’t want to feel that way. I choose to feel different. Sometimes easier said than done. It helps to know you’re not your feelings or your thoughts. But that’s another post.
I’ll leave with that today.
In sum, we can’t control everything, but we can choose what we believe in and the thoughts we think. And that will shape our lives in new and astounding ways.
And life has a sense of humor. I started to post this yesterday. Something happened that set me over the edge. I have an immediate and conditioned response to this “thing” that inevitably occurs every few weeks and I got lost in the drama of it all, seething on the inside with anger and feelings of victimization.
But then… I came to. I laughed about it. I realized those stories I was telling myself weren’t “true.” And I created a new paradigm for that occurrence: Know it will happen. Plan for it and make contingencies. And then…CHILL.
Enjoy the day!
Chandi
Oh sure I’ll just let my treatment resistant personality disorder with comorbid psychosis know that all I have to do is “change my mindset” and “just chill”! Why ever haven’t I thought of that before! I can’t believe I’m cured!
I’m 59 and am still in the afraid stage. Good luck to you. Hopefully I will be able to make the changes needed for a better life. Am trying and that is an improvement. Thanks
What a great post Chandi! You’re a beautiful person.
Chandigarh, you’re piece has resonated with me and I send warm hug for your bravery in talking about it. I have lived with demons that even in my 59th year continue to cause pain. I try, they try harder but…. I am in process of leaving them behind. Is taking time but the immigration engine runs slowly! I will read your new paradigms again and again to keep me focused. Best wishes to you xx
This came to me via a link on Facebook. I have long seen your stuff on Facebook through your page and it was wonderful to have it come via a woman I truly respect. Glad you are making the switch to gratitude. I was about 35 when I switched gears and gave up beating up on myself. 34 years later, I still fall into the old trap sometimes. Difference is I recognize it, and move out of it sooner. It’s a journey. Enjoy it and keep creating your beautiful yarn
<3
It took me over 40 years to realize what you have. We really don’t have much time on this earth…our life is what we make of it. Oh! And we will become the people we associate with; so choose friends who lift you up. Enjoy what you have! I will enjoy your yarns.?
It took a great deal of courage to post this. It is very private,. Personal. It is something to which I can relate to all too often. I’m certainly glad you found a way through it, and I wish you nothing but the best.
You got it!!!!!
Welcome to living life! I’ve been lucky in that I don’t suffer with anxiety attacks and can only imagine what it’s like. I commend you for making the conscious decision to no longer let it rule your life and to open yourself to new possibilities. Bravo you!!
I am glad you found it like that. For me, I had once tiny moment of peace and kept trying to repeat and expand it. Now, most days I don’t have anxiety and I have sleeping movies that if I wake up paniced, I turn them on and I am back asleep in 4 minutes.
Ps congratulations
Thank you for sharing. This was needed. Be well
I enjoyed your writing about your life. Some never progress to where you are now. Count your blessings and help others out when you can. Life is a ‘succession of days’ – what you do with those days is up to you.
Very well said Chandi! I too, have been working on myself…..we are all “works in progress” and hopefully for the better. HUGS!
Good and productive thoughts. Thank you for sharing 🙂
Thank You! I am still learning!
Best wishes have a beautiful day.
Inspiring! Thank you for sharing.
As some have already said, I applaud your ability to share this very personal struggle. We are all at different places in our life. Different because we are no two alike! I too have mental health issues that are not responding well to treatment. On bad days, it’s hard to hope or find gratitude. I persevere for my loved ones. Some days I even persevere for me. I am sending best wishes for a healthy mind, heart and body…
My AH HA moment came several years ago when I actually did stop and smell the roses, see the joy in a child’s smile, laugh at the funny bug walking up my window and listen to the rain on the roof. It was then I realized that you can’t enjoy the big things in life when you ignore the little ones.
Thank you for such a beautiful post. I sent it to my daughter who is stressing in college as she prepares to graduate and apply to grad school.you worded it so perfectly. Blessings to you!
This resonated with me so much it nearly brought me to tears. It can’t work for everyone, but for most of us this is EXACTLY what we need to do. I’ve been finding your blog so inspiring. Congratulations on this change in perspective. Thank you and please keep up the work, it’s so refreshing to see! <3
COFFEEEE!!! I got a lot out of this post but i have to type that coffee is one of those things that i too am immensely grateful for. Its the little things in life.