During May, fear fell on me with an unapologetic thud.
Fear is a sneaky little devil that slides in through the back door and BOOM. It’s staring you in the face, teeth bared, hair wild, ready to POUNCE.
I’m no stranger to fear – I’ve had fear in the past – years ago – fear so strong that the only response I could muster was to curl up on my parent’s couch and repeat silently: I am whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious, happy… and free.
Even though I felt none of those things.
My response to fear has always been to:
Hide
Curl up
Block out the world
Ignore texts and calls
Freeze
I allowed it to take the reigns and halt all progress.
-During May, unexpected events occurred that left me feeling insecure, frightened for the future and in a general state of mild panic most days.
This time, though, was different.
I spend a lot of time reading books on philosophy, self-help, different ways of approaching life.
And I decided… to try something different this time.
I can’t say if these techniques will work for you…or not. But they might be worth a try if you ever find yourself in similar shaking shoes.
Instead of curling up, closing off, shutting down…
I did the opposite of what I felt. Instead of hiding when it rained, I decided to ride out the storm.
•When I wanted to go to bed and pull the covers over my head, I instead hung out with a friend.
•When I felt overwhelmed with anxiety and wanted to emotionally shut down, I opened up and talked about how I felt with those close to me.
•When the feelings threatened to take over, I talked to the feelings and said:
“Fear – NO. You exist right now but I will not allow you to take over this day. I will NOT ACT on what you’re telling me. I will not. I will set my goals and begin taking ACTION toward what I want. You might be in me right now, but you are NOT ME.”
I learned to RIDE IN THE RAIN – when the torrent comes, KEEP GOING.
Do you ever feel these anxious feelings? Do they ever seem to take over and consume your heart and mind?
I find separating myself from the fears to be so helpful.
You are love, truth, kindness, freedom, joy, peace. And sometimes your body and mind experience anxiety/fear – but that fear is not YOU. It’s just another thing in the universe – like a passing car.
Oh look, a car!
Or a tree.
Or a boat.
Or a sandwich.
Oh, look – it’s a sandwich!
Oh, look, – it’s anxiety again! What a silly goose – trying to take over and make me think it’s telling the truth.
And this is not to say it’s never good to listen to fear. There are, clearly, different types of fear and you’ve got to know how to respond to each.
I’ve found:
FEAR is meant to ALERT you – but you’re not designed to stay in that fear. Rather than continuing to focus on it, take ACTION toward SOLUTIONS.
For general anxiety, I found these techniques helped a lot.
Anyhoo, it’s JUNE now and I’m back to my bright, popping self and ready to rock and rumble!
I hope you have a splendid day… Let me know what you do when anxiety starts to take over.
Chandi
Thank you, and Bless You, for sharing your moments of weakness and of strength. The poet tells us “Into each life some rain must fall.” You are telling us we can be our own umbrellas when that happens. It’s a good and powerful message.
“We can be our own umbrellas.” I LOVE that!
Your yarn is beautiful. I love the lavender colors!
You are simply amazing!!! I can’t talk to my anxieties yet but am working on it! Thanks for your unknowing but certainly appreciated support…
Fear is such an insidious emotion – it can take over your life, if you let it. Facing your fears is hard – no doubt about it. But being as brave as you can be, fighting through it and feeling the relief of getting the better of it is empowering and uplifting. I try to imagine how much better things will be once whatever I’m afraid of is over, and I try to stay busy with work and other productive activities rather than isolate myself to brood and fret – that only produces more anxiety and gets you into a vicious circle. Doing what is necessary to get out of the fearful situation and onto safe ground is a journey – but oh, what peace lies ahead when you’ve come out of the dark forest and into the light again! It sounds to me as if you’ve done all the right things – and you’ve certainly told your inner self all the right things to overcome the worst of it. Glad to hear you’re feeling better and that things are looking more hopeful for you.
Thanks, Janet!
I am so glad you found your way through troubled waters I also find I have to push myself to talk to someone. For me it is my best solution
I’m sorry that you struggle with anxiety. Knowing it’s illogical doesn’t stop it from being paralyzing. I just think of it as a wave. Sometimes the ocean is still, but I know there is a wave lurking somewhere below the surface. When I begin to feel it build, I ride the wave. I don’t fight it, that only intensifies the panic’s grip. I let it lift me with it, like a wave would lift a surfer. Once I reach the top and can see the shore again, the panic eases and I relax until the water is calm again. Knowing anxiety is a part of me, how my brain works, makes it much easier for me to ride those waves. Blessings!
That is such a beautiful way of putting it!
I needed to hear this today. I’m going to save it and try to be brave as well. Thanks, and hugs from someone that gets it.
Chandi
I say the opposite of what I am feeling too. I also build up my friends by saying what I like about they did. I start my day being thankful of what I have.
Have a wonderful day too, and keep making those gorgeous yarns.
I have horrible anxiety too, and it can be so hard to not let it take over but i try to stop thinking so far ahead and focus on right now this day, this hour, getting out into nature really really helps
Sometimes, freshair and calm peace of
A beautiful place is refreahing to my soul. I also love knitting crocheting and reading have a blessed June ❤️
I feel anxious all the time. It’s overwhelming. Frozen is a good way to describe how I deal with it. I collect yarn and I crochet in my room. I was on meds but have been trying to live without them. It’s so hard. I see the pictures of you and you look so strong and confident that it is hard to imagine you ever feeling this way too. You are also so young and incredibly beautiful. I hate to think that you go through this too.
Yes, I’ve always been a pretty fearful person but am learning to live with it and through it. 🙂
Beautiful girl,
It is so refreshing to hear those that we admire and look up to have fear and anxiety, too. Your story of how you deal with yours will undoubtedly help a lot of people, so thank you for sharing.
You know a lot of my story, but for others that don’t, I will share a little. On October 10, 2016, I was diagnosed with stage 3 triple positive breast cancer. The fear and anxiety almost knocked me to the floor. It did knock me to my knees. I became weepy and unsure of myself. Depression lay on me like a sopping wet wool blanket. I could not catch my breath and the tears would overwhelm me at times. I immediately called my family doctor to discuss options in dealing with this emotional monster that had taken over my life. I am an extremely outgoing and “put it all out there” kind of girl & I knew that this was going to be tough. I also knew that I was tougher. Together, we decided that I would start on a low dose anti-depressant and increase my dose of anxiety medication for the duration of this journey. It helped. Sometimes, in spite of how upbeat and positive we are, we need a little chemical assistance. So, I started taking my “happy” pills. Things for mr emotionally got better. I rallied my mind gor a fight and prayed hard for God to use me and my experience to help others. I did afgirmations every day. I prayed without ceasing. I reached out on social media and shsred every step of my journey. I also, first jad to pmay the “what if game”. What was the worst thing that could happen to me? The answer came back quite suddenly that I could die. I thought about that and decided that if I did, I would go out fighting and positive, not whining and complaining. I had a double mastectomy last January. 1 year of chemo, reconstruction and another operation to fix a problem with the reconstruction. All told 5 surgeries, almost a year without working with very little income. It has been one heck of a roller coaster ride. I am still here. I am whole, I am beautiful, I am strong. I am a survivor. Nothing much scares me anymore. The financial devastation is temporary. I WILL find my way through this part, too.
Help from my medications, my doctors, my friends and God. The opportunity to share my battle publucly. All of those helped me.
I hope for all that are reading that they know that depression and anxiety are real and that help is available. Even the strongest, happiest people you know may be struggling. Start with a call to your doctor and friends or family. Reach out. Help is there.
I love you, Chandi ❤
LOVE YOU, LORI!! You are so strong and brave! Chandi
Thank you, Chandi – I needed this. Hugs
Thank you so much for sharing this. I am going through a tremendous amount of anxiety and have been for quite some time. One hundred years ago (haha) when I was a teenager I had a child that I gave up for adoption. It was the right thing to do for the child and the child that I was at the time. Flash forward 42 years and my son found me through Ancestry DNA testing. He actually found my older sister who called to say a young man had sent her an email say he thought she was his aunt. I gave her questions to ask him and sure enough he is mine. My husband and children knew there was always a possibility that he could show up one day. The day he showed up was May 25. It happened to be his 42nd birthday. We have met because we live not that far apart. He has met my husband but not my kids. They have all connected through social media so I believe all will go well when they meet. I got to meet his wife and my newest grandchild this past Sunday.
I have reached out to my friends and family for the love and support they offer so willingly. That is one thing that quit doing years ago. To reach out and expose how vulnerable you really are takes courage.
I will get to a place of comfort, grace and peace because I am tackling my fears.
Once again thank you for sharing. You are a truly an inspiration.
Much love to you and be blessed ❤️
Cynthia, thank you so much for sharing this – what a journey you’ve been on. 🙂
Dear beautiful girl, I know just what you are talking about. I have been afraid and lonely all my life. My parents drummed it in to me that life was totally, terrifyingly dangerous and that no place was safe. They would not let me be alone, had babysitters till I was 21. When I ushered R school functions my dad went with me and took me home as soon as everything was over. After he died my mother said my husband didn’t look after me well enough and didn’t get home from work t I’ll after dark, which was too dangerous. I should never be alone after dark. I would likely get killed. Well, now my husband is dead as are my parents and I am totally alone. Svared? You betcha. Terrified! But I try to contingent exist. I knit. Crochet, read ,watch British mysteries, and don’t go to bed til daylight. I hate myself and wish I could be grave and strong and young again and beautiful. I hate being old, hate being fat, hate being alone. Oh well, guess that’s life and there is no escape.
I am so sorry for the pain and fear your family drilled into you.It is so hard to come through such an ordeal, but I can tell you are a SURVIVOR. You outlived all your detractors and malefactors (the opposite of BENEfactors).
CONGRATULATIONS. You go, girl. Recognizing where we have been is one of the first steps to GETTING OUT OF THAT DARK PLACE.
Being old, fat, alone is not “just life,” but you are right–there is no escape. We are meant to be here, to go through what we go through, and to learn how to rise above it all. Sound impossible? IT IS NOT. The Bible says, “…with God all things are possible.”(Matt 19:26) I truly believe that..
I am older now than I have ever been. Hooray for ME! That means I, too, am a survivor. It beats the alternative, as I have been saying since my long-ago twenties. (some people were confused at my comment, not instantly understanding that the alternative to getting older, day by day, is to be dead. Now do you see why I say getting older beats the alternative?)
I am heavier now than I have ever been. That means I have enough (and more) to eat, something not everyone in this world can say. That does NOT mean I have to stay this heavy, but since withholding food from myself is a dangerous path I have walked before, I choose to live with the extra weight instead of starve myself into nothingness. There WILL be a middle way; I just have not found it/created it yet.
I too, could consider myself alone. My husband of eighteen years just died. As in three weeks ago. Since I am a social and gregarious person by nature, I have reached out and opened up to family and friends around me. From the description of your past, you probably do not (currently) have such a support group.
GO OUT AND FIND ONE.
GO OUT AND CREATE ONE.
REACH OUT AND HELP YOURSELF.
I know that someone, somewhere, will reach back. If not right away, then eventually. The comments you posted on this blog were one way of reaching out. YOU WILL FIND OTHER WAYS.
Chandi and I are reaching back to you. THERE WILL BE OTHERS WHO WILL REACH BACK.
Hang in there, fellow survivor. Help is on the way. You just have to recognize and accept it when it tries to open your door.
If you do not (currently) have a connection to God, FIND ONE.
FIND A WAY
Open your door to the next missionary who cares enough to tap on your door. Let them share their message of God’s love with you.
IM me your e-address on my Facebook NancyGrace Sims and we will connect.
I have ongoing uncontrollable anxiety, sometimes to the point where I can’t drive if there are other cars on the road. Weaving is the only thing that has kept me from going down a long, dark tunnel and never coming out.
Chandi, thank you for sharing, you are stronger for sharing. When my life seems too hard, I remind myself “this is not how the rest of my kife will be, it’s only a temporary state of mind.” that always soothes me and gives me a chance to relax and look at the situation again to find my way over, around, or through the crisis.
Thank you Chandi, I just spent the day in bed not wanting to face the world. Keep on Riding in the Rain.
Thanks for sharing your story I hope it will help someone else. Keep riding out the storm!!
I thank you for sharing your story. It makes all of us stronger when we share. Sometimes we try to do too much & forget to be kind to ourselves. Keep smiling!
Fear is a real pain in my butt these days. Thank you for sharing that even though you look to have everything together you too hear those inner thoughts. Love you even more for baring your soul.
Chandi,
Thanks for sharing your story.
I don’t have anxiety but my 9 year old daughter does. I see her freeze, isolate and curl up often. She isn’t quite equipped with the word to speak about it quite yet. So reading this post turned on a HUGE light bulb for me.
We work on talking back to her fears but her biggest struggle is even identifying that what she is feeling is fear. When she does find the words to express her fears they are so deep and beyond her years. “I’m afraid of what happened to Grandpa after he died. Where is he? Is he afraid? Is he safe? is he happy?” Or “Mom I’m worried about Uncle’s smoking is he going to get cancer and die?” Her fears are so genuine and so intense, I’m often taken back and have no words to combat her fear.
For the first time I understand what true fear is, she has taught me that. I’ve done research, read books and sought the help of professionals but still there are all to many days I just curl up on the couch with her and hold her through her darkness. I know I have to keep my self centered in life as much as possible so I don’t feed her fear.
Bless you for giving me more insight, more compassion, more tools and give her words.
Chandi – I found you through your YARN sales. But I fell in love with you through your open, caring, and sharing attitude. I survived breast cancer in 1996. I survived Kidney cancer and losing a kidney to it in 2010 (unrelated). I am now fighting Graves Disease and finding myself suddenly single due to relationship crash and burn right now. Anxiety — much. Much.
First I curled on the floor and threw up for two weeks, then I chose better for me.
I do the affirmations. I also list gratitudes —- every danged day, and sometimes I desperately search for even the tiniest of things to list.
Today, I find myself in a much better place —- I will say that when my creative MOJO returns, I always know I am in a much better place.
Thank you for your honesty, for your sharing, for your beauty. You are strong and beautiful and special and worthy.
Great going!!! It gets easier each time.
I tell myself to “get over it”…. If really scared – I throw a 5 minute “fit” [aka tantrum] and that usually frightens anything and everyone away. LOL
Then I have a chuckle that the “boogey man” had the nerve to show up….I’m way scarier than he.
Lots of love to you and yours!
Thank you for your transparency Chandi. Thank you for your vulnerability in this world of social media where every piece of life is supposed to be photoshopped and perfect. You help me realize I can do anything when my fear creeps in and I will conquer my demons and accomplish my dreams.
This blog came at the perfect time in my life. I am at a crossroads and the grips of fear have been running rampant! Most of my life, actually all of my life I have taken the safe road and gave into my fear. Well after years of feeling inadequate, insecure, uncomfortable and not being the true queen that I am inside I have chosen not to do that any longer! I am going to put on my big girl seat belt and ride out my storm and have unbreakable faith that all will be well and know that I got this.
Thank you for sharing your experience and helping me return back to the quest of living full and dying empty.
Xoxo
Such a wonderful uplifting post. Anxiety and depression feed each other and by not feeding the anxiety it blocks depression from settling in. I have learned that depression is a sneaky liar and it undermines my confidence and self worth if I listen too closely. You are so right, you must do the complete opposite of what it’s whispering in your ear in order to banish it. Thank you for sharing ❤️
I talk to the fear. i say « i love you, i love you, thank you for alerting me » . It reinforces the fact that she is not me,… and she goes away quickly.
Hi Sweet Girl. Thanks for sharing your experiences and ways of fighting against the darkness. I’ve been struggling with fear myself lately. Fear of what won’t happen, fear of what will, fear of nothing and everything. I’m going to give your self pep talks a try! God bless you for being brave enough to reach out to try to help the rest of us.
Oh look! Another HOOMAN! 🙂 Great post – thank you for sharing. It’s good to know that even those we admire so much are human just like us.
Man, this came right on time for me today. I just woke up this morning and identified fear as the reason for so many many destructive behaviors in my life that only I am aware of.
Great post! Anxiety afflicts me and one of my children, too. Last summer (+fall, winter) my anxiety took a turn toward depression, and what actually helped me was seeing a functional medicine doctor. I thought I ate fairly “clean” before, but now– after Whole 30, some supplements, and now adding a few things back into my super clean diet I am feeling like myself again. It’s probably not the solution for everyone, but it sure helped me. Before there was a dissonance in my view of the world, despite all of the gratitude I feel on a daily basis for all the parts of my life. Now the dissonance is gone and I can see the sun again. Thanks for being a positive force, Chandi! I really enjoy your emails and I appreciate the honesty of your post.
This is beautiful, friend. Today is hubby’s chemo day. When anxiety overwhelms me, I crochet. Keeping my hands busy helps my soul rest. I crochet blankets for other cancer patients and baby blankets for new moms. I breathe when I stitch. I think clearer thoughts when I stitch. I say a prayer for someone else who is hurting. Because I know what hurting feels like.
Thank you so much for that! I love looking at your beautiful color schemes. It is actually quite uplifting just to think of all the wonderful possibilities they represent. Today, though, I so much appreciated and needed this blog post. I just came into my bedroom to curl up and wait for the day to be over and read your post just in time to inspire me to get dressed and ride out into the rain.
Kate, ah, this makes me so happy. Glad to know it helped.
Thank you for sharing. My young daughter suffers from terrible anxiety, and I love showing her articles like so she can see that other people do too, and that they can be strong. I’m glad you are doing better and thank you for your inspiration.
I have been having such a rough time with anxiety lately. I’ve been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia for years now and I’m struggling because I’ve started new meds that just aren’t working the same, but they’re somewhat working. Plus working full-time has just sucked the life out of me. All I want to do is crochet and create and make people happy with the things I make. It’s been so difficult for my partner and I – my job is, in a way, a psychic vampire, always stealing energy and life from me. Luckily I’m working on finding a new job and I’m excited about those changes. But I’m also anxious about starting a new job with full-time with the Fibromyalgia, but the amount of stress that I’m under at this current job is literally killing me.
Anyway, I cope with crocheting and cuddling my emotional support cat, Roni.
Chandi,
From the first time I visited your site, I knew I’d happened upon something special, because there was “soul” behind it. No other fiber-related site I’ve ever visited has that commodity; and, that’s quite a commodity to have on board a business. It connects the owner, fiber and customer in ways many cannot realize. This is especially wonderful in our world today, when so many disparate parties work to disassemble, which often strikes us to the core – our souls.
Thank you for sharing current and past struggles. I can tell they are not just hefty, but life struggles, which have truly made you who you are. I pray that the toxic elements, which have interferred in your happiness, will resolve to your benefit, within a short span of time. In the meantime, know that there are many of us not only pulling for you, but sending good vibes and prayers your way.
May there be few rainy days on your soul in the years ahead; and, wishes for the continued success of “Expression Fiber Arts.” XXX
(Now, if I could just put to rest my “fear of failure,” so that I can move forward full steam with my new crochet/knit business, my soul would feel much better. If only a pill existed for that type of fear. My husband laughs at me, which doesn’t help. At issue, as always, is my A-type personality and goal to perfection, both of which I need to temper in order to move forward.)
Thank you, Rebecca! Yes, fear of failure is a big one. I am rooting for you!
Chandi, “You is smart. You is kind. You is important.” One of my favorite quotes from The Help seems especially fitting for you today. In the midst of your own struggles you are reaching out to help others. What a blessing you are. Tell fear “Chandi is smart. Chandi is kind. Chandi is important”. And Chandi loves and is loved.
We all struggle with something and each of us is different in the way we are able to cope. Thank you for sharing but also know that you are definitely not alone. When you talk about rain, I always think of what beauty the rain brings afterwards. Everything looks so green and refreshed and I feel that is the way we come through our fears if we just stop and think about the end result. Yeah, you fought and conquered!!!
Excellent choices! Excellent you! God loves you!
Hello Dear One,
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I suffer from PTSD. a lot of days, it’s a fight for me to make it through, but I do. When I feel that familiar flashback coming and the anxiety has my gripped my throat tight, I do what you do. I stop, I look around, I tell myself ‘i am safe, I am not in the middle east anymore, I home, here in Canada.’ And then I breathe, and listen to calming music will I knit or crochet away with one of your yarns. That right there has helped me in ways you cannot imagine. Life is a struggle, and many of us tend to feel like we’re alone with our fears and anxiety, and then, something like this comes along when you least expect it. Ever notice when you really need help, somehow God seems to send you an Angel that knows exactly what to do or say. So I say thank you from the bottom of my heart Chandi. You got this. And you got us. ~Hugs and love to you <3
Thank you forum this. Lately this has been my struggle too. What was it this spring, huh? It was tough for a lot of people I know. When I can do nothing else, I think of my yarn projects and the simple act of getting going in that way, trying to get through one round, then two, then three…. also gets the motor running in all the other ways I need to be active and present in my life. You know you understand about the magic of yarn!!!!
Take care
Nancy
I have complex Ptsd, which I say instead of all the manifestations Ptsd entails. Fear is huge in this. We need a yarn called Fear Be Gone, and a yarn named. Anti Anxiety
How great. Thanks chandi, and every one, for sharing. x’s and o’s. W
I suffer from major depression and anxiety every day. This latest episode has been going on since. right after Thanksgiving. It’s eating me up and wearing me down. Not even knitting is helping.
Chandi, what you did for yourself is exactly what you’re supposed to do. Have you read anything about DBT?
I haven’t been able to help myself. I sleep a lot, eat food that’s bad for me, and isolate. It’s hard to be me right now.
Karen, I hope it lifts soon – I know that is hard. I haven’t heard of DBT but will check it out. 🙂 XOXO Chandi